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Tuesday, May 5th, 2009
10:45 pm - Final update for Livejournal.
So, it's officially been more than a year since I've last updated this - and it's primarily because of lots of things! The point is, I've begun attempting to write again and it isn't here.

From now on, I am on InsaneJournal! Because I can access it during the day. There you'll find a personal update and hopefully more over time. For those of you who still read this (and if you do, I am way too lucky to actually know you), then you can forward yourself there if you want.

This will most likely be my last post here, though I'm not deleting the journal. Too many memories.
But this is my moving notice, people! I cleaned house and painted my room an awesome sea-green.

Again -
More CHAnges are coming! Are you?
Friday, April 18th, 2008
10:24 am - Wherein I post something!
I make no allowances for myself being accurate; considering I have no brain at this time in the morning (unless I... do, but right now that's not true).

(10:00:33 AM) tennoarashi: Anyways, have you heard about the recent Olympic tension risings?
(10:01:31 AM) animate_corpse: The protests and everything relating to the flame by extension China's treatment of Tibet?
(10:01:59 AM) tennoarashi: Yeah. It's become insane, in terms of the protesters at this point have begun engaging in acts that do not help anything.
(10:02:14 AM) tennoarashi: One bystander waiting by the Seine for the torch to pass found himself involved in the scuffle for the torch. He recounted his experience on popular Chinese-language forum Tianya.

"The brave girl lowered her head and used her back to shield the torch. The thug pulled her shoulder back and hit her... Tears rained out of my eyes. I was sad and angry. Here was an unarmed girl who was handicapped, and the thug had to hit her?"
(10:03:35 AM) animate_corpse: Oh c'mon, clearly brutalizing a woman indicates just how incensed this man about China's actions. He's so furious he's taken leave of his very senses.
(10:04:30 AM) animate_corpse: Sorry, I've just been watching a bit too much of the news in relation to this, and it seems like for every person who is geniunely concerned, there's 3 posers, and at least a half-dozen guys looking to pick a fight.
(10:04:37 AM) tennoarashi: Exactly!
(10:05:19 AM) tennoarashi: The Chinese people have an absolute right to protest this sort of vindictive racism being thrown at them. We have NO moral upperground. Protesting like that leads only to disaster.
(10:06:01 AM) tennoarashi: These are people. We can't keep yelling and noting that they're brainwashed mongers. We all are. And we all have to do our part to open dialogue so we can grow and learn frome ach other together.
(10:09:29 AM) tennoarashi: No wonder we're so ignorant to things like sensitivity. Look at the top 5 most sared news stories on the BBC. THE BBC. The SMART one.

* Pong in the air is 'Euro-whiff'
* Drunk Russian sleeps off knifing
* There may be trouble ahead
* Chaos at polygamy custody hearing
* Citigroup sees second giant loss

(10:10:26 AM) animate_corpse: *shakes head* This is foolishness abound. I mean, protesting the Olympics? That's not even treating the symptom relative to the disease. It just like "This is the only thing we can use right now to feel morally superior."
You wanna protest China's treatment, then protest. Don't attack something else and claim it's justified.
There may be trouble ahead? In relation to what?
(10:11:44 AM) tennoarashi: It's so idiotic. It's as though - and they are - people are protesting China's existence. If that's njot horrifying, I don't know what is.

I'm just reading that. It's about a law that could basically force any psychic/paranomal practionor to justify their means and system, etc. or they could be fined.
(10:12:30 AM) tennoarashi: 'Prove your beliefs!' more or less.
(10:14:55 AM) animate_corpse: It's stupid is what it is. And no wonder they're getting so many violent participants. It's so unfocussed it's guaranteed to get negative followers.
Eeeeagh... understandable to a point. Wouldn't want the consumer getting scammed. At the same time, some of that is really hard to prove outside of the respective situations.
(10:15:52 AM) tennoarashi: Under the same token, wouldn't Churches have to justify their beliefs in order to recieve donations without it being stealing?
(10:16:13 AM) tennoarashi: That's my problem with it. I don't doubt thier are schemers. Obviously, there are.
(10:17:41 AM) animate_corpse: Well, in that respect, it's asking for donations. Anyone can do that. It's just far less likely that they'll suceed, while religions have the cemented base at this point. Though, I do get what you mean.
It's a sticky situation really, especially given that it further advances the "scientific proof as final state" mentality.
(10:19:05 AM) tennoarashi: As well as being totally endemic to what the government can actually do. We can't stop those corporations who are using sweat shops, but damn we can't stop those lying psychics!
(10:21:10 AM) animate_corpse: Of course. It's pretty much cemented that such people are con artists anyway, so why not make a law? Forget the corporates, they pay the bills. Forget the legally purchaseable drugs that actually reduce population numbers. Hell, forget the con artists who are actually con artists. We'll attack the component no one'll believe anyway.
(10:22:01 AM) tennoarashi: I'm posting this on Livejournal. That's it. I think this conversation deserves it now.
(10:23:07 AM) animate_corpse: *chuckles* Nice to see my presence as debator is appreciated.

And to end this off -

(Strawberry Short Cake?)

Sunday, April 6th, 2008
9:25 pm - Just a quick, kind of sad note.
Livejournal was blocked at work, so I'll be updating it much less frequently from here on in. I might follow Catherine's path and get a wordpress blog, but I don't think it'd be appropriate - if I got a blog, it would be specifically topical and I'm far too lazy to focus on topical writing.

(Strawberry Short Cake?)

Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
12:03 pm - Two notes.
The first, more somber.
More news concerning China & India's human rights violations continue to rise. It's horrible and ghastly but remember most of all -


The Chinese and Indian people suffer as well.
They have no voice in their own country.

Please, when you think of China's human rights issues think of this image - and remember that some of the most notable victims are the Chinese people themselves.

But also remember to have faith in the human spirit and the power of the truth, as well as the power of compassion. They haven't given up. We won't either. Right?

More uplifting?
It's someone's birthday today.
Happy birthday, wonderful Aries person. I'm still coming over, despite your Professor X-type injury.

(1 Piece » Strawberry Short Cake?)

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
10:24 am - Just a quick one.
Nothing really to write home about right now; the weather is warmer and I've been enjoying it! That along with eating up as much as I can about Warriors Orochi: Rebirth of the Demon Lord (the sequel to the first Warriors Orochi) which has absolutely amazing brought back one of my favourite characters, Nu Wa, the goddess who created humanity from clay. So I've been re-acquainted with Koei Warriors (which I left because I was relatively sick of the hyper-DW6-apologists, and that's cooled down).

More importantly, with every terrible horrible record of terror in Tibet, there tends to be a more uplifting factor that pops in. I would write more about this situation, but I think anyone who knows me well enough can surmise my stance on this. And if not, here's a part of it that I'll re-iterate for an eternity - What the Chinese government is doing is oppressive. But the solution is not to demonize the Chinese.

Please remember that in the protests, 5 Chinese women were burned alive having been locked in a store in Lhasa. This isn't to say what the Tibetans are standing up for is wrong. It's and example to say that when people are oppressed, we all suffer.

(Strawberry Short Cake?)

Friday, March 28th, 2008
12:12 pm - Finally!
I know that a lot of people confide in you and tell you about their problems. Do you feel emotionally over-burdened because of this? Or are you glad for your role, because you're able to help people and develop communication skills? - From here, and add something! I won't care if you don't do it yourself. But add questions. <3 Honestly, having prompts like this make it much easier for me to regularly update this pink bomb of love.

I didn't know alot of people do that, but quite a few people do and I'm always incredibly flattered when they do so - at least for a while. Rather than this being an either or role; the answer in a one word statement is 'Both'. I do feel over-burdened by this sometimes, and I'm also glad for this for the reasons you said. But there is one factor that people don't bring up, that I am ashamed to bring up and that I will bring up.

The factor of appreciation.

Alot of the time, when people sort of confide in me - well, I don't feel appreciated. I know I am appreciated, but that is different from feeling appreciated and being appreciated. I listen to people and I try to treat them as humanely and respectfully as I can because as a living being, they deserve respect and dignity. And, as callous as this sounds, being respectful and honest and considerate and actively listening when I just want to fall down and have sex or the like takes alot out of me. And with my nerves being raw, it irritates me that people come to me for advice or support and then leave on their way without and indication of how the listener was feeling.

I would like to explain something to do; the best listeners and advisors are empathetic but stalwart. Specifically, I'm going to deal with the empathy. When one is an actively empathetic listener, it means that listener is attempting to emulate how the speaker is feeling, pain and all. And the best listeners succeed on some scale - thus, they are able to console since they can actively feel somewhat similarly and help create and offer solutions in terms of dealing with the pain, and dealing with the issue that caused pain.

Maybe that isn't what every listener does, but I've found the people I recognize as people who can heal and can heal themselves tend to follow that sort of trend. But really - read that again. I will not lie when I say that listening is a huge amount of work, and takes great care. I'm exceptionally pleased that people feel I can do this well, because I wish for people to be happy. That being said, I have to assume people believe this because it is rarely vocalized. I know the people who I speak with; they are appreciative and happy and all I ask is that they live a life that is honest, compassionate, and respectful. But when you don't hear it for a long time, you can wonder.

Here's an example (breaking academia!). My older sister often jokes (with some effect) that I have an ego, I think I am better than everyone else, etc. The other day, she came home from an appointment with her make-up artist for the wedding and she told me that the artist had said that I was wise beyond my years. Her make-up artist. I've said all of three or four sentences to this young woman, and she said this. The only reason I can see her saying this is if my older sister is speaking about me to her. The fact that my older sister was vocalizing something positive about me to this woman for her to say this makes me feel acknowledged and appreciated. This is incredibly rare to hear from her, so this made me happy.

And, ironically, that's what alot of listening and those confiding in me want. They just want someone to acknowledge they're in pain. That it hurts. And that even though it hurts, they've done well for the life they've lived so far. Often, they have a solution to the problem - but that doesn't make people feel better. What will is letting them know that they are acknowledged, appreciated, and have worth. We're taught to believe this, but it's impossible to stay the way of happiness entirely without a support circle. We need other people. We need other people.

This is also why I try to compliment people as much I feel is within a comfort zone. I'm not the only one who feels this way; as though I'm doing so much hard work that isn't being recognized or acknowledged. Feeling as though you're invisible is absolutely monstrous. And the world we live in is not a nessecarily nurturing environment; but it's within our capacity as human beings to be nurturing and to instill feelings of positivity in each other.

We all do hard work, and we all deserve compliments for that hard work. This does not mean we've done a perfect job, or that we're done or that we are perfect. What it does mean is that person struggles and works and fights for whatever tiny special life we have. And that amount of work that each individual human being does is, in my mind, absolutely amazing. We cannot play the compare game - not with pain or work. The base unerstandings must be that pain is unwanted but an inevitablity and we must learn to grow past our pain individually & together, and that we must all do as much as we can.

It's nessecary if we want a beautiful world, and more hard work is definitely needed to save this world, but we all do so much work. Something that may be incredibly easy for one person is incredibly difficult for another. Both of those people deserve praise for their work and effort. We need to work to make the world a better place, and hard work is one of the cruxes of a happy world. Being happy takes an incredible amount of work. But this incredible amount of work is nessecary in order to maintain our survivial as a species, as well as a way to allow us to thrive in ways that give our life meaning. And it must be acknowledged.

If there's one thing I believe we all need, it's affection.
So really, that's what this is all about. Affection. Our world has demonized affection.

I refuse to practice that any longer. It's literally killing us.
....Way to stray, me. I hope that answer suffices. <3

(2 Pieces » Strawberry Short Cake?)

Thursday, March 27th, 2008
12:34 pm - Heart.
I implore you to read this incredibly touching entry focusing on a person's search for and interaction with homosexuality in Tibet. I believe it repeats itself a few times, but once that's gotten around it's lovely. More than just being touching, it's incredibly well written and avoids the (what I feel to be) unfortunate choice of using markteing-styled-diction & a laissez-faire attitude which this entry uses.

Said second entry is coded in a much more typically Western-gay-subculture way, which is important so that young gay men who actiely participate in said subculture (Lesbians and women of minority sexualities get nothing, because queer women don't exist apparently) can be communicated to in a compelling way. From reading it, however - I didn't get a strong sense that the writer was actively compelled (or wished to communicate) to do something about the Tibetan disasters.

However, both are beneficial for understanding the bigger issue of homosexuality and homoamourusness in Tibet. Anyways, read at least the first one. Only then will moologie's previous question be answered!

EDIT: See what I mean?

...According to a local lesbian, there are no dyke bars, and girls will rarely go to Blue Sky bar. “We meet each other through friends, or normal bars, or through the Internet,” says 30-year-old Lhundrop. - DianWei.Org

(Strawberry Short Cake?)

11:01 am - ISN'T THIS PERFECT?
Person A: That’s lame.
Person B: I’d prefer if you didn’t say “lame,” I find it ablist.
Person A: Whoops, I am sorry! I meant no harm, but I won’t say it in the future.
Person B: Thanks, I appreciate that.

OR

Person A: That’s lame.
Person B: Yeah, totally lame!
Person A: Neither of us finds this terminology offensive!
Person B: Though if someone else told us that they did find it hurtful, we would apologize for hurting them and be conscious of our language in the future!


From Kate Harding's blog.
Isn't that perfect? That's completley how discourse should go. On BOTH sides.

(1 Piece » Strawberry Short Cake?)

Tuesday, March 25th, 2008
2:41 pm - Ugh.....
I have been planning to answer moologie's qeustion posed in this post - PS If you haven't posted a question or anything, please do so (it doesn't have to be meaningful or 'deep' or the like so really just ask anything - anything) - but my stomach is full of tea and I'm kind of focusing on the Persona 4 trailer so that will come later. I'm a relatively huge fan of Persona 3, which was an extremely well-executed RPG - it recognized the key facet that a plot only matters when your characters matter to the viewer, and in this regard is suceeded wonderfully.

Thoughts attributed to the trailer and the game?

- The protagonist (henceforth called MC because he's a silent namable kind of guy) impresses me much much more than the P3 MC (center), who - and I really have to disagree with many Western-socialized fans here - looks so Emo-coded it's hilarious. One has to recognize that within Japanese cultural coding, 'Cool' is akin to 'Alright-to-well-dressed Emokid' here. But before I trial on, I'll maintain that the new protagonist is great (bar his character art, but that's barely notable since I've been of the mind that all the initial design work sucked). He's no Mitsuru, but he'll do.

- I'm a fan of the palette being based around yellow. I don't really get the colour hate for yellow (I ask you not to let me begin on the apparent relationship with favourite colours, racism, and religious coding). I like the palette, and I love the art director.

- The character designs in general are nothing to write home about thus far. P3 gave me opposite reactions concerning it's cast; I adored the supporting cast but abhored the protagonist. It isn't as strong a reaction; but essentially the opposite - I adore the MC, but the other party members leave me 'Eh...' thus far. Relatively typical; cool-outgoing-joker guy, typical classical Japanese cool beauty, tomboy-girl-since-she's-in-the-country-town, scruff Uncle, Bleached Bad Boy, Slightly-Uke-ish-With-Hat, etc. Granted, P3 wasn't that much more in terms of breaking mold, but they were archetypes I liked damnit (Oscar Francois De Jarjeyes-type kicks Kung-Fu-Sports-Girl-Type, in my mind).

One factor that kicked my head though, was the fact that I found that the clothing design was far less typical and typal than the designs in P3; whereas the body types and hair are more so. That being said, it's Persona - the same team created an excellent cast in the last game; they deserve my faith.

- The music is still phenomenal. I'm so happy they racked my brain for the kind of music I enjoy, to be completley self-involved.

- The animated character designs (and the animation in general) is much smoother and refined in a 'What's good anime' context. More so; the character art and the animation designs bare a strong resemblance in terms of palette. That's pretty important.

- The menu interface is as slick and impressive as ever. It's one exceptionally important factor that most RPGs just forget about and leave be. If you have a menu that you enjoy looking it, it feels much less like work.

Anyways, yes.
There we go.

(Strawberry Short Cake?)

Wednesday, March 19th, 2008
2:06 pm - Praying to Treasure Hunter Goddess means MONEY?!
Quite a few people at work have been complimenting/asking/are interested in the Goddess altar (Editor's Note - See last entry!). One awesome older man asked me how I communicate with the gods, or open a direct channel to them to 'have conversations' more or less. It was actually kind of a difficult question to answer; I didn't really know how to respond. Eventually I explained that most of the Goddesses I worship tend to be focused on enlightenment, emotional growth, intellectual growth, communication.... thought they sort of "rule" everything.

I realized that it was difficult for me to answer this question because I realized that my morality and religious and spiritual sides are interconnected in a way that basically says that as long as I try my best to not do harm, to help, to better myself and others for the intent of keeping people happy... then I'm doing well. And the other realization-type bit, which isn't really a realization but a reminder, was the fact that (as primarily Hindu) my worshipped deities exist all around and inside of everything. They're all seeing, all knowing, and non-judgemental.

I say puja (prayer) every morning, more for myself and to solidify and remind what I hope for each day. But that's more for me than them; and it's almost like.... tradition; customs one does before getting into the good stuff. Really, they're around every day. And I take comfort in their existence, rather than fear them.

Does that make sense?
Perhaps not, but it's rather strange to articulate. They exist in a way that the human mind will never be able to achieve unless one achieves spiritual enlightenment. And if we don't, that's alright too.

(Strawberry Short Cake?)

11:05 am - On another note...
Before stopping in at Catherine's yesterday, I got this. And I am so happy I made such an impulse purchase; I've wanted this since I was about 19. Just having it here, looking at it reminds me of such kindness and universal connection. Plus, it's so bloody pretty.

It's not the best photo, but open it looks like this. Plus, it's portable and I can bring this with me when I go to work or otherwise. Right now; it is open to White Tara. .. and I just changed it to Vasudhara. Rather that follow intuitively which deity I should have it open to, I want to focus on each with a relatively equal amount of time. ...I know. I don't believe I'll follow through either. xD I'm slightly worried about me keeping a weight on the front; since you can see it folds downward - it needs a weight to keep the page from rising up. I hope I'm not doing it any damage thus.

My bag today was full, with this, lunch and another recent book - The Story of Tibet, a recent book published that focuses on conversations with the Dalai Lama and creating a relatively easy-to-understand historical record of Tibet (so that anyone seeing that China claiming 'Tibet's always been a part of us' is absolute bulldung). The Dalai Lama is a very well-spoken man with an amazing sense of humor; full of wonder and such strange observations that are hilarious (he seems to think so as well). Plus I always feel special (tee-hee like I ate some cake), in that is given Lama title is Tenzin Gyatso (Gyatso is the title given, Tenzin his monk name AKA pseudonym) and he was born July 6th. Anyway...

Oh, Catherine - My Mum was wondering what resume clinic you were attending; since she was like 'If it's not good, I can get her into another' or the like.

And now, I'm going to share this. An entry by Ragnell, a fabulous writer, who has accurately captured the horror of Alzheimer victim's loved ones in a single sentence.

Alzheimer's is scarier than death.

Please, just take the time to read, donate or spread the word. Thank you.

(1 Piece » Strawberry Short Cake?)

9:52 am - I'm actually writing this!
Taking a cue from this post which I'm still sharing; I answered ouiji_ark's suggestion. Thanks for it, honey. <3 And if you have any ideas for anything to write - anything at all, it doesn't have to be quote-un-quote good, guys - throw it in there. I adore fodder!

I'm going to start with, Have you ever been angry at someone for something but never let them, or anyone else, know you were?

This answer may be surprising; it may not be... Either way - the answer is yes. More importantly, this happens often. As in... very very often. The worst part of this potentially is that one might worry about whether one (read: me) is angry at another often without telling them. I will say this - if my anger has a cause I believe is notable in terms of unfairness, then I will bring it up.

But my anger towards a person is never my true feelings towards a person I have a relationship with. The base emotions of the people I interact with, both positive and negative, are love and a sense of hope. Love for the people I love, and hope for the people I feel are deluded by living and finding strength through selfish means. Never anger. Anger, personally, is never a base of anything. And I hope it will never be.

I wish to be honest about this because my anger does not come from a rational place, often. Many things cause me to react with anger internally; mostly unfairness, disrespect, dishonesty and a lack of awareness. Many of the things that cause me to become angry, though - are not reasons that I, fairly, would bring up.

For example, I often become angry at drivers who are driving, I feel, too slowly on the road. However, I have to consider - Perhaps they aren't as experienced, and are trying their best? Perhaps they have some delicacies in the car that may need more delicate handling? Things like that. That is when empathy comes in; and instead of asking 'What's your problem?!', I believe I should ask 'Is something wrong?'. Because often, something can be.

The thing is, I don't believe most people are good at hiding how they feel. It, oddly enough, leads to one of the things I really appreciate - being able to tell someone is clearly angry, but instead of purely lashing out, that individual is able to conduct themselves with consideration, respect for the other's dignity, and grace. You can tell when someone is angry. And anger is very much a feeling that, if it lets us overwhelm us, can remove rationality and consideration.

In a short term perspective, anger can be a wonderful source of energy. But in the long term, I don't believe that anger is a feeling that brings us much benefit - as motivation in the long term, it will lead to a dehumanization of those we are angry with. We may begin to develop Anti-who-we-are-angry-at feelings, and this is why I value love and altruism as a much more pro-active and beneficial source of motivation. And really, anger only gets us what we want by installing fear into the source of our anger - and if we want a trusting, loving relationship with said person (any person!); fear must have no part of that.

That being said, one does not have to put up with injustice or unfairness. And we have a right to react to that angrily. We have a right to be able to react angrily; and to always have that choice. We have a right to feel honestly and openly. We have a right to, I believe, make the mistake of being openly angry in a way that alleviates our frustration. Really, those that oppress are often being hurt in just a fundamental way as the opressee - however, since the oppressor took action it is their responsibility to right their action.

So... short answer? Yes, I do get angry at people for things. And I very rarely tell them. But I always make sure to recognize that my anger will not help anyone in a beneficial way in the long term; thus I always attempt to sublimate my anger and find where that anger is really coming from - recognize that, heal that part, and move on.

If so, did you worry that your relationship with that person and yourself might be at risk if you didn't voice yourself? What stopped you from telling them how you felt? Do you still talk to that person today?

I've often been berated, by family, that I have little tact or grace when it comes to social time. One of the reasons for this is that I often speak openly, without shame, about sources of pain that may make other people uncomfortable. So, in a family context, I worry - greatly - that if I do voice my anger, it will upset those people. The cause for their anger is not one I agree with, though - I'd rather choose to be honest, and recognize the pricelessness of each human being and get to the heart of the matter than re-enforce a sense of comfort that's predicated on distance from one another.

That question is funny. <3 I've never been worried about a relationship where I haven't voiced something; often the trouble I cause comes from having voiced something! The trouble that comes from not voicing one self though, is important - it communicates that you have a lack of trust in your confidante's ability to 'handle' how you feel. And a lack of trust will always hurt any beneficial relationship.

Like I noted above, what would stop me from telling a person that I was angry with them is that I don't believe (in the long run) that telling a person that you are angry with them helps in any beneficial way. If I felt I was being slighted, or I was offended, I would bring that up with that person with as little to no anger as I could manage.

I do speak with the people that can make me angry, bar one exception. The one thing that will cause me to stop speaking or interacting with a person is when one absolutely disregards the well-being of people they say they care about, they acknowledge they are doing that it and find nothing wrong with that. I don't speak to an old friend anymore because she made it very clear that she did not care about the well-being of kywraith_amnesi, and made no qualms about it. But if a person changes for the better, then I will welcome them back.

One of the worst things you can do in the world is tell someone that their feelings do not matter. This is different from one's feelings being irrelevant to the topic at hand; I am saying that you are disregarding this person's emotional existence. There is no justification for that. There is acceptance of the action, there is forgiveness on both sides, but there is never acceptable justification for wantonly doing that harm.

If not, have you ever wondered about, if you had not told someone how you felt about something? Do you often find yourself less, or more upset/frustrated with others knowing they know how you feel? How do people react when you tell them how you really feel?

Often! Ohohohahaha. <3 Mostly in terms of familial relations. But wondering does not get one far; dreaming, hoping, in and of themselves they accomplish close to nothing. I'd rather accept the reality, realize I am not a horrible person for doing this, heal the wounds, accept the consequences and move on.

Generally, I find that it can be more frustrating when people find out how I feel - not just with anger, but with dissapointment or anything. I wish people generally felt better about themselves, because often people can misinterpret what I've said as being a moral judgement on their being. Sometimes, it is. But that act makes me feel for them, because they've grown up in a world where it's that difficult to feel positively about one's self as a whole. When I am honest and miss even a single step in communicating how I feel, it can crush someone who does not nessecarily have the same communications training I have.

People are generally surprised at first, I find - but also amused? It's along the lines of... I say how I feel in one statement, they become confused slightly, I explain how I arrived at that feeling. Then they understand why I feel that way. I've grown up having a very, very uncommon-in-the-Western-world thought process, so confusing people is second nature. It's helping people of any level of communication to understand is where the real work lies.

At any rate, that was fun. Thank you for the questions, ouiji_ark. <3

(2 Pieces » Strawberry Short Cake?)

Monday, March 17th, 2008
10:10 am - No need to crack.
Firstly - I am going to bring this entry to attention; since I would like to use it as a reference entry for when I have LJer's block and need something to write about in detail. I am going to write about what ouiji_ark suggested, but I'd still like more. Any topic at all, ask away. It would help me more than you I gather, but it will help us all in... some way.

Otherwise, just bringing up the fact that... Well, it's interesting. Looking at renderings of deities and art in general tends to potentially reveal alot of that artist's choices and preferences. This thought was spurred on by a painting of White Tara I saw. And that has to be the whitest looking White Tara I've ever seen. Certainly, that artist is completley unaware and (I'll take a leap) I will assume they believe in colourblindness when it comes to race. Mostly because again, here is an example of depiticing;

- a goddess
- We're coded to believe goddesses are beautiful since 'girls are just prettier than boys'
- this is a depection of beauty

So... yes. Racial coding in various deities.
It's like seeing various renditions of Saraswati by artists who work in various styles. Not only is it lovely, it's revealing the inner truths of the artist's socialization.

(4 Pieces » Strawberry Short Cake?)

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008
2:37 pm - Since I have to...
I asked karenhealey, which means I must repost.

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don’t blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don’t blog about, but you’d like to hear about, and I’ll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on tv, favorite type of underwear, stories I'm working on, travel, etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

I'll try my best, but I doubt I'll do anything tonight. It's not been the best day.
But still! GO!

(2 Pieces » Strawberry Short Cake?)

Monday, March 10th, 2008
2:00 pm - .......What.
I just - No words. None.

(1 Piece » Strawberry Short Cake?)

10:42 am - Grasping!
So, ouiji_ark and I had a nice 5-hour conversation thing (I am so glad I have a new desktop at home; great computers are awesome). Anyways, one of the topics we sort of covered was the notion of identity politics; finding facets one's self in characters we grow to love. It grew from that into a conversation he had with his sister about how fans tend to manipulate characters in their own fandom - doing fanart of the character as an anthro, or slashing them; creating their own personal canon so that the character fits into said fans intepretation. Now, I believe - I'm paraphrasing here, so if I'm wrong call me on it - that they came to the conclusion that one plays with the characters because there's an inherent dissastifaction with the canon presented to the fan's.

I'm of a different mindset; in that seeing different interpretations or ideas or narrative flows created aren't nessecarily indicative of a dissatisfaction with the canon. For example, in Avatar - I'm incredibly happy with the canon as presented in Katara's context; a strong dark-skinned heroine who is not presented as the trophy girlfriend of various heroes. She's a protagonist and a person in and of herself. That being said, I do enjoy Zutara fandom in that I believe they would make an interesting and fun couple. However, this doesn't mean I want this to happen in canon, nor am I unhappy with the canon presented. That being said, sometimes they are. And that's legit as well.

Anyway, before I derail into 'Katara is awesome and this is why', the conclusion that both of us came to was essentially that fans are inherently unhappy with themselves - the characters one identifies with are not only who we see ourselves as, but who we could become. They show us our potential. But the depection of characters who are involved in so called 'alternate lifestyles' or practices is exceptionally narrow, and when presented is often demonized (made fun of in the text, made a joke of, etc.).

It's why I can't really bring myself to be angry with anyone who is a fan and inserts Mary Sues or the like into their own personal fan-canon, because these kids are looking for love, acceptance, and most of all - for the rest of the world to let them know that it's alright to be who they are. It's alright to be into anthro, it's alright to be gay, it's alright to be this way. There's an extreme politique of shame, emotional killing and inferiority complex control going on in the world.

This is also why it's dangerous to introduce depections of types of characters in a narrow way - I'm looking at you, majority of BL comics & Yaoi as understood in a Western cultural context. In a very real way, Yaoi & BL have allowed thousands of young gay men to find depections of men involving in homosexual erotic acts, and more importantly to have those men involved in homosexual erotic acts not be demonized by the text. Yaoi supports the positive existence of gay sex, and offers many young men (specifically, men; BL and Women's identity politics are another issue) and outlet that lets them begin to understand that there is nothing wrong with them for being sexually attracted to other men.

However, Yaoi has a huge array of terrible tropes it re-enforces - Japan's borderline xenophobia and racism, Japan's acute homophobia (while more common, you rarely have characters who identify as homosexual; when they do they are often protrayed as the Okama stereotype (think typical 'Queen' archetype in Western media)), Japan's terribly oppresive fat-phobia, it's able-ism, and it's extremely patriarchal institutional, interpersonal and cultural mysoginy & gender roles. Some manga-ka certainly play against a few types (I read a great one about an older man in a wheelchair) but usually in a very, very safe way (said older man was rendered in a way that didn't accentuate his age, plus he was ripped and an Oyaji-type).

Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. Identity politics. At any rate, young gay men here (in the Western world) who read Yaoi will recieve the message that it's alright to have gay sex - but the only way you'll really find someone who loves you is if you're a stick, a jerk, coded completley as a diminutive patriarchly-feminine person, willing to be raped.... The tropes go on. The enforcing goes on.

Today, listening to the new Soul'D Out album, one of the songs had rapper Diggy Mo say (in his very typically coded African-American-In-Japan-Manly voice) said in a specific way (in English, which he can speak) 'Hey boy wanna be with me datta my love is just men's memory'. I'm now hesitating to search the lyrics - alright, that's a lie, they aren't transliterated yet - because I don't want this to be a line that was intended to be presented as though Diggy was reiterating a message from a women, coded in her submissiveness and feminity. I want this to be, and I want to believe this was intended as, a message that positivly expresses romantic love between men. I feel this way because positive depections of love between men are so rare, that I have to grasp a maybe and never let it go.

In my chldhood, I'd always identified with women who were emotionally aware and emtoionally considerate and dedicated to teaching others the way of emotional understanding - but who were also strong because of this belief. I've always identified with women who were like this because, initially, I've never found a male character who embodies that kind of self-love who are strong but still emotionally aware. I still haven't. I have never seen a West-Indian character in anything. Period. I've seen a few Carribean characters here and there; stereotypical Jamaican's (the one that standouts in my mind is the strong Jamacian female activist lawyer who was a character in Boy Meets Boy).

What's my big rambling point? Basically, that the variation of characters as presented - Japanese or Western media concerned - is still exceptionally narrow in terms of what it supports positively and what it will kick to the ground as wrong. So if fans want to slash characters, make them anthro, or do whatnot with them in their fanon - I can't bring myself to be mad at them. They're victims in this, more than anything.

And don't even get me started on the representation on female homoerotic texts. Good goddess.

(1 Piece » Strawberry Short Cake?)

Thursday, February 21st, 2008
4:42 pm - My sister ships Zutara!
My older sister (and her fiancee) have become fans of Avatar: The Last Airbender. He's seen 2 episodes, and her (she's 27, by the by) and I have watched seasons 1 & 2 together. Because watching that show with someone who hasn't seen is like watching it new all over again.

Anyways, here are random comments she's made which are awesome.

"Uh, this isn't going to go well. She's as feminist as they come!" - on Katara in 'The Waterbending Master'
"Oh my god, this is the saddest thing I've ever seen." - "Appa's Lost Days"
"Do you think they'll get together at the end?" - Zuko & Katara
"Oh my god, Aang's going to walk in on them kissing!" - Crossroads of Destiny, when Zuko & Katara are stuck in the cave
"Oh, so pretty. So Sailormoon." - Princess Yue's Moon Form
"Oh, Katara. You and your men." - Jet & Zuko talking in Ba Sing Se
"Toph is the coolest thing ever." - Toph metalbending for the first time
"Sokka is the best." - Sokka in general
"This is the best show ever besides Buffy."
-various 'Aang is adorable, Sokka is awesome, Toph is badass' comments-
"Oh my god, Katara's such a wuss LOL." - Katara in Bitter Work

Her: "I hope my kids have a show this good to watch when they're little."
Me: "I'm making mine watch this. And Sailormoon."
Her: "Yeah, I will too. Only replace Sailormoon with She-Ra. And Sachin will make'em watch He'Man."

There's a ton more, but I can't remember them all. I know she wants an Appa plushie. And that she thinks Mai is the most emo thing she's ever seen, but is great so it's ok, and she's generally meh about Ty Lee like I am.

(2 Pieces » Strawberry Short Cake?)

3:50 pm - Sorting things out. By mushing it all together.
Alright, all this complaining about the time? What it's really about is the fact that I want to use this carefully alloted slacking time to better myself with awesome literature and blogging, but instead I just feel.... bleh? Not a lethargic bleh. But the kind of 'on-edge' bleh that happens as well.

See, how work... works is that we have to allot how much time we spent in the system, adding people to this database. I have this list of individuals right now that allows me to complete person files more quickly than expected. And I've worked in the database for the equivalent of.... just less than 7 and half hours in a 7-hour workday. With an hour to spare.

So while I want to read Kate Harding's, Margaret Cho's, Karen Healey's, and other wonderful blogger's writing - mostly on my mind is 'I only have so much money from now until the 29th', 'God, this B-Side song on the new Ken Hirai single actually makes me angry'... And one other factor.

See, last night I cleaned the water in my new fishtank with the new babies - Koh (Kougetsu, Pale Moon) and Mah (Mangetsu, Full Moon) - and... well, I'm just really worried about killing them. Especially since last night, the new food wasn't ground up so it clogged the filter and their water became murkier and smellier than ever (and it's been less than a week). But in my obstinance, I was adamant - even with no experience raising fish - that they were alright, and the water was supposed to be that way. My sister really suggested I change it, and I finally gave in and lo and behold - then I found the problem with the filter and the like. I just... feel terrible. They were all clean and the like after, but I just bought these guys on a whim and even caring about these fish is worrying whether I can take care of them. I... know I can, but I just want to be able to do this well, even with my long days.

And then that night I had a dream that I was speaking with one of my co-workers about where one of my other co-workers were and she explained that instead of quitting, she was actually killed in this really graphic rape-scene-with-breast-being-cut-off reminiscient of the rape descriptions I read in the Daw Suu Kyi biography, The Perfect Hostage. And the whole time, I felt so responsible - I'm pretty sure my own guilt concerning the new members of my family induced such a dream; as well as the fact that I don't want to relieve myself of the guilt concerning Burma unless I do something. In the deepest sense of my morality, I know I shouldn't treat myself as guilt-ridden but I am doing nothing about it. I can't even take care of fish well... I don't know.

I've been really asking myself the question whether I love at all. I have, and it's terrifying because my belief in love as well as my belief in emotional health is predicated on my ability to love. Sometimes, I'm not sure. My happiest moments in life were always moments when I was physically alone. I never felt alone; rather I always found solace in this sort of created urbanite nature that I exist in. But when I say 'I love you' - do I mean it?

Now, that's not true. I do know. I know I can take care of these fish. Even writing this in and of itself (which, by the way is non-linaer non-chronologically-understoof writing - this sentence was written after most of the stuff below, and I tend to write like that) is helping to let go of the fear of hurting the fish and recognizing that process as allowing what love is there to flow in.

But with the physical reality comes doubt, and the unknown. And most of my issues come alongside the notion of physical reality.

I'm in a specific situation with my fat-phobic beliefs, in which I pretty much discussed this with Catherine - in that detrimental discrimination of the fat in anyone's body is oppresive and wrong, and that any physical activity that is taken with the explicit intent to lose weight because one believes external fat to be ugly or indicative of poor health re-enforces fat-hatred. Fat-phobia is just so hard for me, specifically, to argue for because there's this extremely pervasive belief that fat is unhealthy. Here, in Toronto, I encounter way more of the 'You should lose weight because it's good for you' types than anything, and although I have the resources to persuade against such - I lack the... grace of such. One of the specific beliefs I've developed is that permanent weight loss is only possible if one specifically starves their body for the remainder of their lives. And when I write starving, I mean starving. Seriously. Starving. Otherwise, out weight is pretty much specified between a range - and our bodies, being individually based, get hungry for different things because our body craves what it lacks for fuel. One portion for you =/= one portion for everyone.

I won't tell you not to diet, no matter how much I want to. But I will never be able to support, willingly, a behaviour that destroys you internally in order to please the external. Happiness is extremely difficult to find in one's self, and impossible to find in others.

Anyways, I'm tangenting. My point is that diets and weight loss systems exist so that people can do just that - lose weight for the saking of losing weight because weight is bad. I can't agree with that, I won't. It's just hurtful to everyone involved to keep participating in such a... Ugh, again. Tangent. This sort of diet talk was becoming relatively prominent in the Gaia thread I frequent, and one day my tolerance for it just snapped. That, however, coincided with the realization that I need a forced break from it entirely for at least a while. My life has been extremely busy and irritating at points right now - my sister and my parents are constantly on edge with the wedding and the house and so coming up, among other things.

I communicated my seperation of anger and need for relief extremely poorly. I'm extremely lucky in that my friends understood what my heart was trying to say rather than what my fingers wrote them and I'm grateful for it.

That being said, two things were discovered - Most of Gaia is just.... even worse than before. Or maybe I've just become more observant to the racism, abelism, homophobia, mysoginy, ageism, and fat-phobia present in casual threads. And that work is so boring without the thread. So I'll probably return soon, but only after I continue to sort myself out.

I've not been the best kind of person in any regard as of late, so I'm hoping people forgive me for any transgressions I've made. I have, with this writing. Forgiving yourself is critical in being able to live a life of freedom; forgiving yourself allows you to being taking responsiblity - the crux of freedom.

And for me, freedom from work is only 25 minutes away!

(2 Pieces » Strawberry Short Cake?)

3:49 pm - WTF
Only 3:50 agh

(Strawberry Short Cake?)

3:26 pm - OMG
Is it only 3:30? Not even?
Oh my god, go faster day. Let me leave early or something.

(Strawberry Short Cake?)


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